I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
