You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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