At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
