it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
