everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
