Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
