So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
