Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
