what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
