thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
