guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
