i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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