I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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