never play flip cup with pint glasses
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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