About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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