guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Couch. On fire.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize