I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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