Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You need a sexual gate keeper
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
