I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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