there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
