Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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