I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
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