You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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