He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
