nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
