WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
