I hope mine doesn't look like that
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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