im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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