omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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