i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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