He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
