Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
