i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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