I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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