Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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