so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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