You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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