So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
