You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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