I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
