I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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