I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
