Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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