I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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