Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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