My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
