I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
