I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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