Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
