It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize