Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
