please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
