Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
