I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
