That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
