you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
