i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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