I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
