just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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