she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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