I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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