I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
