I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
